The WANT, The NEED, and The DEAD INSIDE

I started off in this industry two years ago with an idea to fill up my deflated ego living as a boy in a highly religious country where adoration for someone like me never happen ( cry cry nobody said I'm pretty ) - so I venture in this industry to make me feel pretty and hot, yes all those compliments that I'm gorgeous was never enough you keep them coming, so the money was never an issue, tip or don't tip your compliments keep me going like an energizer bunny. ( ps. it's natural for trans to feed on their ego cause they have been deprived of it all their life if you meet or know a trans - a narcissistic quality is somewhat a second nature #LOL )

Since I move in California things changes, I realize lately that I been doing my usual WANT to do BODYRUB to a NEED to do BODYRUB.  For a time being its OK and I'm not realizing the difference between the two, but lately, as I desperately want to see more client and needing more money ( for rent or mainly to live ) I'm realizing that the compliments are not having any impact, and somewhat see my self getting tired/bored of what I do.  Like in the past I want to do BodyRub cause I enjoy and love what I'm doing, now its I need to do BodyRub cause I need to pay bills and make money.  Which is not me cause if you read my blog, you would read enthusiasm and love of what I'm doing, now there comes a point where I don't even want to do BodyRub and those bills are the only reason I'm still doing this.  And I hate being a WHORE ( by definition of whore is doing the job you hate and getting paid for it ) before I'm proud to say I'm not a whore, and now I am a legitimate whore - and most whores are dead inside ( OMG I'm a cliche - a WHORE who is dead inside )

It's a running joke in the industry that we are dead inside, am I dead inside now and the need for money kills the enjoyment I had of doing BodyRubs?  The answer is NO - I think there's still hope, as the NEW YEAR is coming, it's timely to have a NEW YEAR's resolution, the next year 2019 I would have to fix my finances - I will shift my want and need to my addiction to spending, do I need a new victoria secret bra or just want it cause I look good on it #HAHA ( come to think of it I don't wear a bra often so its useless to even own one )  And I think I need to go back on having a goal, and rewards TRIP that encourages me to do my best, and most importantly go back to WANT to see clients and not NEED to cause you guys ( the good and bad of you ) whether you like it or not will always be a part of me.

So don't worry OLIVIA is not dead inside, she's resuscitated and preparing for a comeback next year 2019 so you have to see her when she's on your area ( even though she's mostly not available LOL )